I started taking ballet lessons when I was four years old. By the time I was six, I was convinced that I was going to be a ballerina when I grew up. Yeah, I know. Many young girls have this dream. It’s nothing unusual. But I didn’t just see myself as the Sugar Plum fairy, I lived it and at the time, everyone encouraged me. At least, for a while. Because, after all, I was six.
I brought my ballet shoes with me everywhere and offered to dance for friends, relatives, strangers at every opportunity. At my cousin’s wedding, I approached the band leader and requested that he ask everyone on the dance floor to sit down so I could perform. The band played some sweet music, I donned my little pink shoes, and did my thing. One hundred and twenty-five guests politely sat down and watched me dance.
“How cute.” “Such a talent.” Their praise didn’t go unnoticed. But really what they meant was, “how precocious”. And I only say that because it’s not politically correct to call out a six-year-old as badass. But truth be told, I was.
I look back now at my six-year-old self and feel great affection for her. That little girl was confident, poised, and wholeheartedly believed she could be whatever she wanted to be. She was ready to conquer the world. But it didn’t last. As the years passed, I buried my badass self for decades to please others.
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve definitely had some badass moments, but I recognize that I shortchanged myself on many occasions so people would like me. My fear of failure and rejection also caused me to withdraw. I questioned my talent and purpose. I kept myself small and suffered the consequences personally and professionally.
As far as being a ballerina is concerned, that dream ended over time as my family and teachers warned me that I would never make it as a ballerina. I didn’t look like one. My breasts were too big, my legs too short and at that point in time, pre-Twyla, you had to look like a classic Russian ballerina or sayonara. There was no exception.
As I entered middle school and high school, I was very self-conscious. The onset of puberty resulted in extra pounds and if there’s one way to kill your badass mindset as a tween or teenager, it’s being chubby. Add braces to that and my confidence was shaken just at the time I became interested in boys. It was painful. But what is very clear to me now is that this was a turning point. I lost my badass self for many years from that point forward.
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